Since being commissioned by the Slime Dress Committee to improve even further their fashion sense - have you seen them jumpers WOW ! - we delve into secret communications between Gok and his adoring Intelligencia fashion fan base.
Q: My big bottom makes me feel self-conscious and I constantly cover it up with big, baggy jumpers. I have to go to a winter exercise to Norway and just don’t know what to wear. Can you help?
WO2 John Peabody -Tidworth
A: Count yourself lucky you have a big, beautiful bottom. CRmeansceilingreached has made a fortune from having a major booty so don’t cover it up! A three-quarter sleeve square-neck tailored dress with kick pleats at the hem is your perfect style. The sleeves will finish at waist level and the square neck will broaden your shoulders, slimming your waist in comparison with your bottom. Top your outfit with a waist-nipping jacket that ends at your hipbone and you will wow the boys on your first briefing!
Nine to five
Q: At work I have to dress smart but feel uncomfortable in a suit – I have big man boobs, a small waist and a wide bottom. Can you suggest an outfit that will work but not set me apart from the Oxbridge crowd ?
SSgt Ken Holm - JTAC - "if it aint got `special`in the unit title I is PVRing"
A:You need a wrap dress as you have a gorgeous hourglass figure - fitness level dropped since leaving the SSR ? A wrap is sexy and works well for any occasion – it can be dressed up or down with accessories. Choose flattering jersey fabrics to smooth over curves (it will hide your Glock), opaque tights and round-toed shoes for a stylishly smart look. No Corps tie though try a dickie instead !
Q: I’m tall and skinny but have no boobs to speak of. What should I wear to make them stand out a bit, without having to resort to drastic measures?
Maj George (Lucy at weekends) London - The West Country (wink,wink)
A: If you’re not quite an A-cup, a push-up padded plunge bra pulls out all the tricks to help you make mountains out of molehills. The diagonal cut of the cups will make you appear curvier. Go for a high-legged thong to lengthen your leg with wide sides to emphasize your hips. Some white lace will give you a greater physical presence making you look more curvaceous and those guards will be blowing wolf whistles at you again as you cross the doughnut!
PS - Are you stlll in contact with Ian F ?
Q: I’m 5ft 2in and have short legs. The majority of trousers I try on are too long. Where can I shop?
LCpl Worthington, Birmingham ex REME – currently on OPMI basic
A: Your trouser heroine is Audrey Hepburn. Think flat-fronted, lean-legged tailored trousers. To lengthen your pins, wear your hemline low (to the bottom of your high heels) and your waistband slightly higher (just under the belly button). Soft, draping fabrics, such as fine wool, will work best to create a long, fluid line. Dorothy Perkins has a great range for you and in Squirrel Grey to boot.
Q: I’d like to wear a dress to impress at the Mess Christmas Ball. What should I get?
Lt Col Kevin H Wilde, Glasgow APC
A: The LCGD (Little Cypress Green Dress) has officially arrived! When you're after a heart stopping, jaw dropping little number, it's got to be Cypress Green ! The whole shape of the dress should work with your curves, pulling your tummy in, curving over your bott and elongating your legs with high waist detailing. Ensure though there is enough room for your miniatures !
"That's all for this week. Keep your letters coming in. I am off now to present some new ideas to the DHU – ditch those North Feaces and 511s its PVC or nothing Baby!"
PS - "Many thanks for the Intelligence Corps watch by the way - it is correct twice a day "